On December 11th I will be facing a milestone in my life. Yep...my 50th birthday. With this particular birthday comes a string of different emotions. I have never been one who is ashamed to tell my age. When asked I don't think of shaving a year or two off my age but always say "I am (whatever my age) " with a huge smile. Then I proceed to tell my captive audience my story of God's mercy and my cancer. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 1996. I had gone to my physician because of a lump in one breast and was sent for a mammogram. However, the results showed a mass in the other breast. I was scheduled for a biopsy and the results of that showed positive for cancer. My physician informed me that I had the fastest growing cancer I could have and had it not been found when it did I wouldn't be here for the next Christmas. So, needless to say I feel very blessed for every birthday I have. God had been working in every aspect of my life months before my diagnosis to prepare me for that time. This story is going to be for another blog. Now, back to the different emotions I am feeling now as I face this milestone.
As with all milestones in your life, you think of the loved ones that are not going to be around for that particular time. My daddy passed away April 2, 2009. It was awkward and somewhat sad on my last birthday; the first without him. But somehow, this particular birthday is different. Daddy and I use to joke about me turning 50. Daddy has been here for everything in my life. All the good and the bad. But, now all of a sudden a sadness comes over me that my daddy will not be here to share this time with me. I so much miss my daddy every day, but especially very special times like this.
I, in some ways would like for this day just to go by without a fuss. Just treat it as any other day. I'm no one special. It's just a 50th birthday. Why is "50" such a special number anyway? What about my 49th? Why was it not as special as the 50th?!!! But, there is something within me that thinks "HEY, I AM GOING TO BE 50!!! IT'S SPECIAL, DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!!!" I want to be special for a day. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be treated special...JUST ONE TIME FOR ONE DAY! Does that seem selfish? Is that expecting too much? Maybe...Probably...Yes!!! That's not really me, but I guess everyone sometime in their life wants to feel special. But, I don't want that "special" to happen because I have said something. I don't want to remind anyone. I would love for people to remember because they love me and because they have thought about me.
I also look at my life and think that I'm going to be 50! What have I done with my life...who have I touched in my life...have I even touched anyone's life...what have I done for God...am I where God wants me to be...is there another direction I need to go now...have I done all I can for my family and friends...have I been so selfish I haven't done for those I love?
Is this the "thinking" of someone reaching midlife crisis? Or is this the "thinking" of someone just being childish and immature? Whatever the reason for the thinking, I am very blessed by whatever age I reach. I am thankful for the family, friends and blessings God has given me throughout my life.
Whatever happens on my birthday, I will be back to fill you in!!!
you ARE special, Chickie! even tho we don't always remember the birthday, milestone or not, the person that you are is remembered on other days, not only your birthday. Living the everyday, mundane stuff that we have to get thru to pay the bills, and take care of daily stuff always will get in the way of the important stuff, like birthdays, anniversaries and such. But rest assured, that on any given day, someone will say or do something, or maybe just make a gesture, that will remind someone of you, maybe for no "special" reason, except that we remember you and DO think of you, and admire you not only for the fight you are fighting, but for your ability to speak up or be the person that you are.
ReplyDeleteBirthdays are "just another day", but, we need to remember, that "everyday" is special, and a gift not to be taken for granted.
I Love You and Hope Your Half-Century Milestone is a special gift for you to enjoy!
Bonnie